Soon to be fears

Two days ago, while searching online for a lacey/meshy stitch pattern to work into the upcoming Yoga mat bag project, I stumbled upon another craft blog called Craft Lover by Lillian, who maintains 2 other blogs in Chinese: 普通人的廚房 & 普通人的空間. Her Chinese nickname is 普通人, literally meaning regular person.

I started reading 普通人的空間 to brush up on my Chinese reading skills and to check out Lillian's work. There's a lot there about her experiences as a new mother of a 2 month old baby girl. Despite my struggle to read her Chinese posts, I was moved by her sincere but mixed up expressions of weariness, sadness & happiness from the new baby-related happenings. She is very grateful for the support from her family, friends & readers and I think it is so wonderful. She is definitely one of the lucky ones amongst the many women in the world who may not receive a fraction of the love she gets during such a time in life. Yet, the emotions she feels are still so raw & real, NOT because she isn't "tough" enough or that she's a crybaby. Those feelings just are. The best a person could do is have hope, thank god and live another day.

Then...I find myself terrified of the day when I become pregnant. Will I be as gracious as Lillian? Certainly I will be lucky enough to have similar support that she receives from friends and family but even with that, I honestly don't think I can withstand the pain, the stress and the responsibility. I always figured that when the day comes, I will prepare as much as I can and just do my best. I am sure that's what most people try to do but it scares the hell out of me.

As I read Lillian's blog at work, I have momentary visions/feelings of me experiencing the first pains from labor, as it becomes more intense, how much will it hurt? I think about whether my husband/bf will be there to hold my hand when I am in the delivery room trying with all my might to push our baby into the world, in the most pain I will probably ever know. Will I be there, alone? In a room full of strangers? What about the months before birth as our baby grows inside me? What would it be like? I know this is superficial but how will it feel to have my body become unrecognizable? Would I feel like an alien inside a body that isn't mine? I feel certain that I will have post-partum depression and that only I will be there to pull myself out of it, IF I pull myself out.

I used to think people should only become pregnant when they are "ready" but I realize that no one truly knows when that will be. Sometimes it has to happen and then you change and I accept that. I just wonder if I will be... This October I will be 26, not that I am in any way "ready" to have a baby now but the thought certainly brushes my mind more often these days.

It's kind of crazy to think of the women out there, who want a baby of their own so much. A maternal longing so strong that they would reach out anywhere to look for that "seed" of hope. What is it about a baby? Is it just longing for attachment, a culmination of all the love you have to offer? To the world, to your lover? To the baby?

As I sat, staring, reading at the office, I felt my heartbeat racing, panicking now for the panic I would possibly feel later on in life. I panicked today for those moments in the future when I would be freaking out in anticipation of going into labor, of going to the hospital, of giving birth. My eyes welled up and tears rolled down my cheeks. I had to turn away to make sure nobody saw.

Lillian, if you read this: I honestly love reading about your experiences. It is so beautiful but it brings out my emotions too well.