Monday, September 17, 2007

I guess the weekend wasn't a complete waste...

Due to some semi-unknown complication, the bf has decided not to speak to me since Friday afternoon. Sure, the 3 of us (roommate included) got into yet another one of the heated discussions that he starts. The kind where he is just "stating an observation" or "being the devil's advocate", where he is not seeking agreement, merely stating his "generalizations" about the world based on his personal (and may I add very special and not at all the norm) experience. Sure that all sounds pretty valid, except when you say something, he talks over you, if you disagree he keeps repeating what he says to drown you out. Even when you are not trying to disagree, when you try to add a word in to rationalize or give reason to his observations, he just says no that's not true, and when he goes all over the map on his statements and you let him know that's not what he originally stated. He basically reacts with, no don't put words in my mouth, I know what I said. So there really is no discussion or any point to any of it.

Sure, maybe we shouldn't have gotten sucked into yet another of these fool discussions of his and I shouldn't have gotten fed up in the end and said to roommate, "Dude just don't bother". When bf asked "Why? We are just having an open discussion." I replied with "Because it's not." I was definitely flustered from participating in that tiring discussion on a Friday afternoon and when all was done, bf tossed a deflated football to me to get my attention. I tossed it back, not a very good throw. I stated, "I suck." Maybe he thought I said he sucked so he just said, "Fine. Fuck you." From that point on around 6:30pm on Friday, he has not said a word to me except to tell me to fuck off and stop staring at him.

I spent half the weekend bawling my eyes out again and going absolutely nuts banging my head on the floor. I felt like shit and I just don't get it? How am I supposed to deal with that? So finally after trying maybe twice a day to talk to him. I'd just say "Are you gonna talk to me now?" or "Are you done being mad?" but ya know, it's the usual complete lack of acknowledgement that I even exist. Not a head turn or nod in my direction, just complete indifference. That hurt me a lot the first 2 nights and it has hurt me so much in the past that it drove me to scary places in my head and almost doing things I would very much have regretted, to him and to myself.

After Saturday night I just stopped crying. If I was gonna survive this type of BS another time I just have to stop reacting and caring. The only danger with that is when I stopped caring before it led to a lot of other shit. But ya know, he knows about this from what I've told him before, if he actually listened. If he still chooses to act like this, there's not much I can do. In the end I lose anyways, I have absolutely nothing because I pretty much gave up everything to give this a go. I wanted to build a more solid foundation first before I ventured into other things. So I'd pretty much have to start my life from scratch. Maybe that'll be a good thing. If we break up again someday I have to assume it's for the last time and I guess I'll just move to a different country. The thought of us breaking up hasn't entered my mind in a long time because I decided no matter what happened, I will stick it out. They are just complications and obstacles that we have to go through together.

However, it becomes difficult when I quantify the type of hurdles we have to jump through. There are those that he has on his own, which I may not know about because he isn't telling me. That one problem actually makes it an obstacle for both of us. There are my own problems with the world which I try my best to share. There are the problems that couples genuinely have to face together and then there're the things WE hurl at each other. Sometimes I feel like he throws a hell of a lot more curveballs at me than I do him. Half the time it seems to be purely for his entertainment, which really kills me. The other half of the time is split up between him "testing" me for loyalty or some other BS, and then him acting like a complete a**hole. I just feel like I've put myself in a position where I have a hell of a lot more to lose. Actually it kind of seems like I put myself in that position a lot.

Anyways, so in that sense the weekend was a complete waste of time but the other half of the time when I wasn't crying, I was knitting up my yoga mat bag. To be honest, it helped keep me sane. I am pretty happy about the way it looks. It's about 2/3 done right now, hopefully the bag body will be finished tonight except for the straps. The bottom is a little bit wonky because I totally improvised and increased too many times in the round so instead of just a flat circle like I had hoped, it's kinda ripply. Also, because my increases weren't that even, there are holes and lumps, but whatever it's on the bottom! Anyways, a picture will be posted after tonight.

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